Thursday, March 02, 2006

Some advice for Bush

I doubt President Bush reads this blog, but I'm going to offer him some advice. At 34% his current speechwriters aren't doing a very good job. No charge, Mr. President. Pro bono- oh, you're not familiar with the term. Probably skipped Latin class to drink, didn't you. Here's the text of my proposed speech:

My fellow Americans, I beg your forgiveness. I have screwed up many times. I have not found Osama bin Laden. We did a horrible job trying to help the Katrina victims. Iraq has descended into civil war. I did not adequately prepare for the post- Saddam chaos.My Medicare bill is a costly disaster. I could go on, but you see the point. From now on, I will be honest with you, all the time.

I have lied to you. I knew Saddam was not working with Al-Qaeda to launch attacks against Americans. I should not have said no one could anticipate the breaking of the levees. I was lying when I said the vast majority of my tax cuts go to those at the bottom. There never was any attack planned against the Liberty, er, Library Tower in L.A. I was whipping up fear and hysteria, as I have since 9-11, to keep my poll numbers up. That obviously isn't working anymore.

From now on, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Iraq was a mistake and we're going to withdraw. I should never have invaded it in the first place. I apologize to the families of those killed in the war. I'm going to repeal some of my tax cuts and fund health care for all Americans. I'm going to stop referring myself as a "conservative." I never believed any of that twaddle about limited government, fiscal responsibility, a modest foreign policy, blah, blah, blah. From now on, when I start wars in foreign countries, I will adequately plan for their reconstruction. I'm also going to abandon political correctness. I will no longer refer to Islam as a great religion that has been hijacked by extremists. From now on, I will stress that we are at war with militant Islam as the Koran teaches it. No more euphemisms. I will also become more engaged. I will know what is going on at all times. I will even read the New York Times- well maybe not Paul Krugman. The next time there's a major disaster I will be ready to help. When I wiretap suspected terrorists, I will follow the law.

Thank you for your forgiveness. May G-d bless us all. Oh, and Hannity- get your head out of my @####. Got to leave- Dick wants to go hunting.